i’m ok.

It’s one of those strange nights when nothing seems to be right, but yet I’m not exactly depressed. I just…. am. Earlier tonight, I turned down a friend’s invite for drinks with his work friends, people I didn’t know. :s I just wasn’t in the mood the exchange insipid banalities with strangers who may become hi-bye acquaintances, who may become potentially useful allies. What did I do instead? Well, on the pretext of checking out some promising fashion boutiques, I drove out around 8 pm. I went to two – both of which yielded no impulse purchases. On principle I refuse to buy clothes which look cheap unless they ARE really really cheap but sometimes I fail. After which I drove around Kuching. And drove. And drove. And drove. With no particular destination in mind, I literally drove in circles, from the airport to Green Road to Padungan and back to the airport again. The airport road is made for speeding, I tell you. With so few cars out tonight, the road was mine to do as I please. Clears the mind I think. I used to do this a lot, when I didn’t have to pay for petrol. Driving aimlessly in the car with the radio turned on loud,Pushing the car to its limits when the condition of the road allowed it, driving slowly and mindlessly when it didn’t. The car used to be the only place I would find peace, away from my house, away from everything else that mattered. Just me in the car and nothing else. I can’t do long walks here, it’s far too dangerous, driving shall have to do. Despite the *ouch* factor in the rapidly depleting fuel gauge.

The sudden desire to crash the car into something was inexplicably strong in me tonight. The screeching sound of metal against metal, the smashing of glass, the impact of the crash …… I could almost imagine it. I won’t ever actually do it of course, violent fantasies are one thing, playing them out in real life is another thing altogether. Doesn’t everyone get the urge to smash things once in a while? To hurl some plates across a room and watch them smash to bits against the opposite wall, hear the shattering of the impact and relish in the satisfaction of venting that pent-up frustration and aggression inside you? It’s like that tonight. I want to smash something.

………

I’m itching to munch on something, no, itching isn’t the right word, my stomach is literally growling at me, begging me to eat something, but I can’t. A newly enforced no supper and no meals after 7pm rule forbids me from snacking. The sudden stop to the constant walking I did in Glasgow has had disastrous results on my waistline, giving me a belly that I can’t quite remember ever having before. I don’t need this. It’s taken me years to get to a place where I’m starting to be comfortable with the way I look, I can’t afford to slide now. My self esteem is fragile enough as it is.I will persevere.

……..

It’s sad I know. The house that I grew up in doesn’t feel like home anymore. It feels more like a…. a transit station. One of my suitcases is still half unpacked, just lying there as if waiting for the next port of call. Waiting to leave.