colour blocks.

I have recently become obsessed with the idea of colour blocks. Am currently on the hunt for an affordable colour block dress the likes of which are displayed below. Dresses #1 and #2 are my favorites, the white/yellow/black bumblebee combos,  but I have yet to see one that is affordable and drapes well in the stores here. The closest would probably be the New Look one in white/yellow/pink, but unfortunately it is made in such a way that wearing a bra is near impossible. Sien. Ooh and dress#5 is an absolute beauty don’t you think? Not too garish nor too cutesy, just the perfect pop of colours.

#1 Source: See by Chloe

#2 Source: Mademoiselle shopaholic. aka friend who wore the dress for her graduation last year.

#3 Source: Net-a-Porter.com

#4 Source: New Look

#5 Source: Net-a-Porter.com

My obsession for colour blocks isn’t just limited to dresses. I am also on the lookout for a cute patchwork-ish bag in the right colour combos, much like the ones below from Charles and Keith. I did find one a while back but due to my indecisiveness, it was sold out by the time I could bring myself to fork out the money for it. Sigh. Maybe it’s a good thing it takes me so long to think before I buy something. Save money mar.

Source: Charles and Keith

Source: Charles and Keith

Anyways, back to studying I go.

choudaidi.

“how i met your mother” is perfect for those times when you desperately need a break from staring at SIGN guidelines. 30 minutes, not too long, not too short. Guilt-free. Provided of course you don’t move on to the next episode after the one episode you promised yourself. A little bit kitsch, a little too cutesy sometimes, but always funny, I’m up to Episode 13, Season 4. There are some serious “Aww…..”-inducing moments in this particular episode, not quite topping the episode where Ted tries to propose to Robyn (I think?) but almost.

it’s another one of those days that didn’t start out quite right but end up being quite close to perfect. i went to class, came back from class, and took gambling lessons from the housemate. choudaidi. people teach me year after year, but i keep forgetting. perhaps it was because the gambling fever never quite drew me in the way it did my friends. even as i type this, the neighbors are having a gambling session in the flat upstairs, and they are playing real money. have been doing so since 除夕and i think they intend to continue these nightly sessions for the full 15 days of CNY. haha, in the words of the neighbor, “gambling is an instinct, it’s in the genes.” in other words, i must not be fully Chinese since i have neither interest nor aptitude for it.

i am one day closer to my goal. one day closer to exchanging wires and optic fibres for the comforting warmth of actual flesh and blood.  i am one day closer to the rest of  my life.

time…

is an hourglass flipped over. running out of time? or counting down the days till? soon  months will become weeks, weeks become days. days become hours. hours become minutes. and i will have run out of time. or will i have simply crossed out enough days on the calendar till that all-important day in the distant future becomes now?

3 hour adrenaline rush.

woot~ slept at 5-ish am, woke up at 8am and 9am. let’s see how i hold up the rest of the day.

3 hours of lecture and 100 egg tarts to go!

blardy insomnia.

it’s fucking 4am and i’m still awake. not by choice i must add. hence the profanity. i knew chinese tea with dinner was a bad idea. dinner was decent. and expensive. and very very bad for my stomach. i could have cooked a better dinner for myself. this is one of the few dates in the calendar that i regret my ethnicity and wish i could move far far away from any reminder of my roots. i wish sometimes that the luxury of distance could be extended for a few more years so that i can afford to be more magnaminous  with my pretend happiness. this is my first cny away from home and i would be enjoying it a lot more without the mini-Malaysia congregating and reminiscing about what they do back home. god, if you can’t bear to be separated from home so damn much, why bother to even come over. i know i sound angry and bitter. not being able to sleep is making me cranky. but i’m okay. or i will be. at times like these i think do i really want to go back to that? if i had a choice i would spend my nice long cny hols away on a relaxing beach holiday. unfortunately my life is not mine to live, any more than is my future mine to control. i will celebrate cny because i am expected to, and i will go where my sponsors see fit. despite laying out in detail my rebellion and subsequent prison breakout in my head, i know these are not to be, and so i quietly do as i am told. fake smiles and pretend happy small talk. but subtle acts of defiance are still possible. enough so that i am reminded that there is still a little bit of me that remains wholly me. i will wear anything but red, i will clean house on the first day, i will speak out against what i believe is wrong, i will support those who do so. i will still be me.

zara fangirl.

So I went to Zara today (yet again) and came back with 3 tops (basic ones I must add). I’m a very very big fan of Zara’s basic stuff. At last count, I own two pairs of jeans, one pair of black formal pants, 2 cardigans, 7 tops, and 4 dresses from Zara. It helps that their stuff is so ridiculously cheap during sale season and so effing expensive back home, who can blame me for stocking up while I’m here? I must add that Zara stuff is not to everyone’s taste, especially the stuff that I buy. Nothing flashy or fashion-forward, mostly basic neutral shades, which make up approximately 95% of my wardrobe. Loads of blacks and whites and greys, the occasional lime-green, orange and red thrown in. Even my preferred shades for jeans are dark washes: black, indigo, greyish.

My favorite buy for today has got to be this: It’s a plain loose-fit white tee which is soooo soft and comfortable. I know it doesn’t look like much but I love it to bits already! Think of it as a blank canvas: add a long necklace, or two, add a red belt, black skinny jeans, basic denim miniskirt, shorts anything, and voila! you have a different look for different occasions. Heh. I’m just a great believer in buying and wearing classics. Things that I can wear at any age without looking out of place. Value for money in a manner of speaking. Black pencil skirt, white and black tees, plain tanks in different colors, a little bit of a monochrome palette to be sure but I like it. I do have splashes of colour here and there in the form of scarves, and the occasional red or purple dress, but these are rare unless I happen to really like the item.

So what’s your take on basics? And neutrals? And dressing up plain white tees? Feel free to leave your suggestions.

…

sigh.

My voice was brittle. My tone curt and clipped. My impatience obvious.

It was a bad start. And I am sorry.

But please understand that I am entitled to make decisions that involve MY life. A life that you have no part in.

Let me make my own mistakes, please?

control.

Can we ever break free of the invisible ties that bind us?

Expectations. Unspoken but obvious to all.

Control. Not being able to do something because you know it will worry the people who care about you. Or shock them. Or hurt them. Whichever.

Guilt. Will my parents approve? Will it hurt so-and-so? Will it worry them?

When will I be able to wrest complete control of my own life, to live as I please?

When will I be able to claim my dreams as my own, my ambitions, my desires, without being tempered and tamed by what other other people want for me?

I don’t think it will come with financial independence.

I want to be prove to myself that I can do this. And if I don’t do this now, I will never be able to. Ever. Do you realise how sad that would be? To die with unrealised dreams and snuffed out hopes? Because someone told you, no you can’t do this because it isn’t safe, it isn’t right?

Would you rather snuff out my dreams, stifle my life, suffocate me, force me to conform to some colorless, standard existence? Or would you rather give me room to grow, make mistakes, learn, LIVE, support me and love me regardless of how badly I screw up? If you choose the former, I have no choice but to break free, keep up a semblance of conformity but keep my secrets and other life hidden from you. My life is my own to live, and mine alone. You on the other hand, will get to share no part of it, except the part I think you will want to see. The rest, will remain my secret.

I am not afraid that my life will end. I am afraid that it will never begin.

to be continued.

this is not the first time i’ve felt thankful that i never dated within my batch or chose to make my private life public. when things fall apart, and with our community being so small and close-knit, things can get very very messy. it’s sad to stand by and watch two people’s worlds crumble around them, and all you can do is help pick up the pieces. you can’t take sides. but yet you can’t not take sides. how then?

(to be continued when i feel less sleepy).

profanities and not.

I notice I tend to swear more when I am stressed. or angry. or depressed. or upset. or any other of the entire spectrum of negative emotions. Not that I swear a lot less when I am NOT upset. This not so newly acquired habit of liberally sprinkling profanities into my everyday conversation is not good. Not good at all.

I didn’t lose my temper today, well kind of. A recent decrease in the quantity as well as the quality of my sleeping hours has rendered me highly irritable, though I try to keep from being too abrasive. Today was especially bad. Hence when I very politely asked that jerk of a PRC TA today whether he could help us with the MS, I expected a simple Yes or No. Instead the snotty jerk gave me a contemptuous look and proceeded to give me a long lecture on why he couldn’t leave the lab because he had to follow procedure and why we should follow procedure and fill in forms and wait around when NOBODY was using the MS at that very moment. Blardy idiot wasted 5 minutes of me and my partner’s life and was of no help at all. His attitude was such a turn-off and was in sharp contrast to the other PRC TA who happens to be a very sweet and helpful guy. I maintain my stand that lecturers and teachers and any other people who are in positions to guide other people should under no circumstance make their students feel stupid for not knowing something. When in doubt, ask. There really is no such thing as a stupid question. Only stupid arrogant TAs. Anyways, having lost my patience within 10 seconds of listening to the guy, I was still civil but my partner told me afterwards that the ice in my voice was wow… scary. Lol, I am still trying to perfect that whole IceQueen persona, especially useful when dealing with people I dislike and want to intimidate.

I sometimes wish people would respect my desire to take a break from all things Malaysian for ONE year. CNY included. Go on, throw stones and rotten eggs and whatevernot at me for daring to me so..so.. un-Chinese. But seriously, I’ve always thought the occasion represents the very worst and ugliest of Chinese excesses, needless extravagrance and hypocrisy. Oh wait, I think it’s probably a tie between Chinese wedding dinners and CNY.

On another note, today was the last day of reseach labs. Woo-hoo! Finally time to wash my smelly lab coat and hang it up and never wear it again! Oh wait, soon it will be my pharmacist uniform and not my lab coat. Well.